We have all experienced the uncomfortable, unsettling, and unbearable feelings of shame and guilt in our lives. I for one would try to suppress these feelings or try and people please my way out of it. However, in the last 3 months I have been identifying and acknowledging feelings of shame, sitting with the feelings of shame and fighting back against harmful and toxic sources of shame.
My enlightenment about the impact of shame on my self-esteem and emotional wellbeing was sparked, unsurprisingly, by the work of Brené brown and Susan David.
Their work made me acknowledge the heavy-handed use of shame and guilt by managers to ‘encourage’ (more like exploit) their supervisees to fulfil a never-ending list of responsibilities and meet a mountain of timescales. Once I had seen and acknowledge the role of shame, experienced its unrelenting attacks and witnessed the negative impact on children, families and colleagues, I could not ignore it or unsee it.
The scene:
During the pandemic I worked in a front-line child protection team. There was an increase in domestic abuse offences flagged to the police and children services, (Office for National Statistics, 2020), an increase in children and young people's vulnerability, increases in children’s’ exposure to alcohol abuse, an increase in stressors to parents and caregivers and an increase in work and financial instability (NSPCC, 2020). In the local area I work (and like so many other local authorities), we additionally saw the complexity of need (our own and those we work with) increased tenfold (Blackwell, 2021), alongside a drop in the retention of social workers, and a reduction in peer and personal supervision sessions. Most of us were burning the candles at both ends just to keep our heads above water.
Inevitably, the time came where I needed reassurance from my team manager and assistant team manager that we were in unprecedented times, and I needed support to ensure family’s needs (and risk) were met. I had expected to see supportive and motivational actions from management.
An expectation which I felt was reasonable, considering we come from a profession with practice foundations supposably composed from morals, ethics, compassion, empowerment, empathy and nurture.
We (the social work team) were instead met with a list which included: the names of social workers who were at risk of not meeting their time scales that week; a request for justification of being ‘in the amber’; and a request for the arranged date for visiting a family or sending documentation.
The same style list was circulated the next week, and the next, and the next…
One week, I saw my name on the list. I felt a sense of deep shame and unworthiness, despite knowing I had met statutory timescales. Thoughts such as “I’m stupid and a faker and now everybody knows.”, “I’ve let my team down, the families down and worst of all, the children down.” Would pass through my mind consistently. I had to tuck that shame and guilt down deep inside me — where it festered — for a long time — until I quit.
The shame:
Having left the role, lost myself in reading and begun the journey to emotional recovery. I reflected with a number of people around me. I subsequently realised that my manager, at the time, was using shame and guilt as motivators and drivers for their social workers.
Greats like Brené Brown have pioneered the discussion on shame and guilt. Brené Brown defines shame as ‘the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection’ (Brown, 2013). Shame is subsequently a focus on the self.
June Tangney defines shame as feeling badly about oneself. She associates shame with feelings “of shrinking, of being small, with a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness and with a sense of being exposed” (American Psychological Association, 2011).
Brené Brown, through her research, has established a list of emotional/physical symptoms of shame:
Feeling sensitive.
Feeling unappreciated.
Uncontrollable blushing.
Feeling used.
Feeling rejected.
Feeling like you have little impact.
Being worried what others think about you.
Worrying that you aren't treated with respect (Brown, 2014;Brown, 2010; Tangeny and Dearing, 2004).
The words ‘sensitive’, ‘unworthy’, ‘failed’, ‘worthlessness’ and ‘exposed’ used by Brené and June accurately depict the overwhelming and disabling wave of shame emotions I felt when I read my name on the list.
Significantly, Brené Brown’s research and stories acknowledge the damaging impact of shame stating that that shame is “much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behaviour than the solution or cure … the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous”(Brown, 2013).
Upon reflection, my uncomfortable feelings of shame triggered by the email took me back, emotionally, to being shamed by my sports teacher (as discussed within a previous post). They had triggered overwhelming feelings of shame and embarrassment in front of my sports class by stating there was no point in me if I ‘can’t think or do’ when they learnt about my dyslexia and dyspraxia diagnosis.
The triggering of unmanaged and unresolved shame, harmful power dynamics and emotional turmoil could happen to anyone if the wrong management techniques are used within the workplace. This made me wonder, if feelings of shame can be destructive to our emotional wellbeing, self-esteem, and work with others, why do managers and colleagues use shame as a ‘motivator’?
The reflection:
From my experience and from speaking to colleagues within the team, it was clear that the use of shame by our manager was having negative impact on our morale, confidence, self-esteem, interactions with children and families, and work. This made me ponder why some managers use shame.
Here is a list of ideas of why managers use shame, which has collated from reflecting with social work peers from other organisations (who have observed the use of shame within their workplace) and from observations within my own practice:
- Ensure social workers meet timescales.
- Ensuring families are seen, children’s voices are heard and risks/needs managed.
- Prioritising key performance indicators (KPIs)/importance of meeting KPIs.
- Over prioritisation from senior management to meet KPIs.
- Misrepresentation that KPIs= good practice.
- Result of an over worked and overstretched manager.
- Bullying staff.
- Lack of other management/people skills.
Despite the reasons why managers or colleagues use shame in their practice to manage staff or peers, shame has far reaching negative impacts on the people it comes into contact with. Public shaming of supervisees can cause a toxic work environment, and it’s rarely an appropriate approach to dealing with issues in the workplace. Humiliation, anonymous or not, is not a good motivator for all people.
It can additionally:
Contribute to toxic stress- we already work within an emotionally demanding and stressful role. If we are to continue adding layers of stress within our work life, this will eventually become toxic and if we are not supported properly by our managers, we increase the risk of developing maladaptive strategies to manage stress.
Contribute towards burn out- as I have experienced, if we are being shamed instead of receiving support, this could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and makes us leave our role when things feelunmanageable.
Contribute to a non-trauma informed environment:
1. From speaking with colleagues, the use of shame by their managers triggered trauma memories for them. It triggered childhood feelings of uncertainty, emotional risk, vulnerability and danger.
2. The social work profession includes social workers who have traumatic memories from childhood or adulthood. The emotions provoked through shame (vulnerability, uncertainty and risk) could trigger trauma responses for them and make the workplace a toxic and harmful environment for them.
Contribute low staff emotional well-being.
Prevent social worker’s asking for help due to fear of management response
Makes social workers perceive managers as unapproachable
Make social workers defensive in their practice
Contribute to a shaming/bullying culture
Provoke feelings of guilt (not meeting service users needs/being good enough) and feelings of isolation (not being able to communicate their feelings)
Create spaces of emotional dysregulation
Create disconnection between managers and social workers
Compromise working relationships and dynamics within supervision.
So, having made the list with peers, we asked ourselves should shame be used in social work? The answer to this question a unanimous no. But what can be used instead?
The changes:
Through reflecting on what I have learnt from this experience, there are several changes that I am bringing forward in my own practice to ensure it does not shame others and to ensure I can support and regulate myself when I experience shame in the future.
I hope I can counteract a shame culture in the workplace and in practice by mindfully demonstrating nurturing behaviours and treating people with cognitive (being aware of the emotional state of another person), emotional (engaging with and sharing those emotions) and compassionate (taking action to support other people) empathy. Brené Brown states empathy is the most powerful antidote to shame, as the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy (Listening to Shame, 2012).
Thus, being mindful of the impact interactions can have at work, I feel the following actions would challenge the culture of shame I had experienced:
Appropriately naming the shame tactic and its emotional impact on oneself and others to managers. Work together to find a compromise and emotionally check in with them. They can’t be in a positive place if the resort to shaming.
Ensuring I smile at colleagues to fill up the relational piggy bank. They may have come off a stressful call or be in the midst of an admin day where a smile will make all the difference to their day.
Calling colleagues during a coffee break (if working remotely) to see how their day is going, check in after their supervision (this can often be overwhelming after adding to the never ending ‘to do’ list) or after a visit they may have spoken about.
Giving my full attention when interacting with colleagues and closing my emails (or anything distracting) when I’m in a team meeting or in 1:1 calls with colleagues.
Checking in with colleagues after team meetings to debrief and check in emotionally.
Learning to silence the internal chatter about what I’m going to work on next.
Providing constructive feedback and asking how they felt after shadowing opportunity, a joint visit, or a meeting.
Creating emotional and personal connections by having conversations that do not centre around work.
Supporting colleagues to have difficult or uncomfortable discussions with colleagues (managers) and providing them with an emotional check in afterwards.
What can you do?
Reference list:
American Psychological Association, 2011. Interview With June Price Tangney About Shame in the Therapy Hour.
Blackwell. A. (2021). Children’s social work case complexity has increased due to Covid, councils tell DfE. Community Care. Available via: https://www.communitycare.co.uk/2021/05/06/childrens-social-work-case-complexity-increased-due-covid-councils-tell-dfe/
Brown, B., (2010). The gifts of imperfection. 1st ed. New York: Gotham Books.
Brown, B., (2013). shame v. guilt. [Blog] Brené Brown, Available at: <https://Brenébrown.com/blog/2013/01/14/shame-v-guilt/> [Accessed 15 September 2021].
Brown, B., (2014). I thought it was just me (but it isn't). New York: Gotham Books.
Listening to Shame. (2012). [video] Directed by B. Brown. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en: TEDx.
NSPCC. (2020). Summary of risks to children’s safety due to the conditions created by the COVID-19 pandemic. Available via: https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/2020/social-isolation-risk-child-abuse-during-and-after-coronavirus-pandemic
Office for National Statistics. (2020). Domestic abuse during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic, England and Wales: November 2020. Available Via: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/domesticabuseduringthecoronaviruscovid19pandemicenglandandwales/november2020
Tangney, J. and Dearing, R., (2004). Shame and guilt. New York: Guilford Press.
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