Over the last week, the court case surrounding Sarah Everard’s murder has been widely aired on tv, reported in newspapers, and shared widely across social media platforms. And rightfully so, as violence against women and girls has been a long-neglected issues. The media have reported on the fine details of the case, which has evidently enabled readers to envisage the last hours of Sarah’s life.
The reporting of the actions leading to Sarah’s death has been informing us about the misuse of police powers, power imbalances, male’s harmful ideologies about women and girls and the Met’s general acceptance of predatory and harmful behaviours. This juxtaposes all of Sarah’s behaviours, informed through victim blaming and placing the onus on women and girls to keep themselves safe (message a friend, walk under street lighting etc).
And this reporting, at a time where other women and girls (and this is never ending) are going missing or being murdered, has also triggered survivors/victims to share their stories of the police’s misuse of power, their experiences of general power imbalances with males, the intrenched societal misogyny and to share their trauma. However, on Twitter, this is often met with challenge and disbelief by vicious males.
As a woman with lived experiences, I have mixed feelings and reactions to this. I feel solidarity and pride when I read women challenging the normalisation of male violence, the structures and ideologies that enable misogyny and male violence to survive in the 21st century, and the hoard of males whose first reaction is ‘not all men’.
I am proud that male violence against women is being challenged and is at the forefront of society’s mind due to the academic insights and activism of individuals such as Jane Monkton Smith and Dr Jessica Taylor- although I wish this was not in line with sensational media reporting by journalists and big companies trying to make money off misogyny or the trauma and violence experienced by women and girls.
Research into domestic violence and male violence against women and girls can make impactful and upsetting reading- impactful and upsetting in a sense it can be explicitly triggering, infuriating, unbelievable and makes one want to create a radical change to the ways women and girls are treated and viewed in society.
However, on the other side of this coin, I have my own lived experiences of male violence, and have witnessed friends and family be subject to male violence and intimidation. These are experiences which are ‘normal’ (according to revelational research published by Taylor and Shrive, 2021) for up to 97% of women and girls. Yet just because it is ‘normal’ and we may expect to experience male violence or harassment when we are walking down the street, does not mean it is any easier for us to read, especially when there are little changes being made to keep us safe.
Since the start of the week and since the reporting of the court case, I have found myself struggling to sleep at night, and when I do, I often have nightmares- feeling unsafe, feelings I am being chased, feeling trapped and feeling I need to escape. I have found it difficult to find a safe space where Sarah’s murder and rape are not discussed verbally or written.
I often find myself going back to haunted, traumatic, and emotionally difficult memories, ones I was not yet ready to bring to the front again. However, I have been forced to address and confront these memories and emotions.
I have found being forced to confront these thoughts and feelings have meant I am not ready for the constant reflection, to re-experience the emotion or event, or to disclose my lived experiences. Subsequently making this emotionally overwhelming time an isolating and lonely place to be, despite the number of women and girls who have been victims to male violence. Yet this is contrasted with the overwhelming feeling of solidarity with women and girls, that we are not alone and that we are strong. A confusing space to be emotionally.
I have also found that friends and family around me are emotionally re-living a traumatic time for them. Female family members have become more withdrawn or on the other end of the scale unhealthily addicted to the media updates about the trial.
I feel I am lucky to have studies social work as I have an understating of trauma and how it presents, I have a toolkit of distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills and I have a network of friends who can ‘social work’ or counsel me when I am at a low. However, others do not.
Reflecting on my own experiences of male violence and my own reaction to the reporting this week, many questions have been raised for me. Questions which I can reflect on for my own practice supporting women and girls, and questions which will help safeguard me emotionally from the sensationalised media reporting. I recognise that all the changes should be made by men, the main change being stop harming women and girls. However, I also recognise that as a society we should be filling gaps in support and changing the way media practice and report:
- Should journalists be trained in trauma informed and trauma responsive reporting? Especially when reporting when it comes to violence against women and girls (or any trauma inducing subject). With research findings produced by Taylor and Shrive (2021) suggesting that 97% of women and girls experience sexual harassment, sensationalised media reporting can have a far-reaching negative impact on the wellbeing of women and girls, further perpetrating the harms of male violence against women and girls.
- Should the media be allowed to report about violence against women in such a sensationalised way?
- Considering 97% of women and girls experience male sexual harassment, should support groups for women be the norm for those who want access?
- How can we as practitioners help create safe spaces, in times of intense media reporting, for the mothers and daughters we support who have been subjected to male violence? A space where it is ok to talk when you are ready, but where is also ok to shield yourself from the traumatising details of violence against women and girls.
- How can we as practitioners support parents to create safe spaces following media reporting and discussions about male violence against women and girls?
- How can we, as colleagues and managers, create safe and therapeutic spaces where triggering and potentially re-traumatising events are reported in the media and spoken about extensively?
- How can we facilitate trauma informed conversations about male violence against women and girls?
UPDATE: What can be done to manage triggers and overwhelming emotions?
Keeping in mind that the past couple fo weeks have been re-traumtising and triggering for a number of women and girls, it is important that we all have a toolkit ready should we become emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated.
Emotional Regulation skills- As alluded to above, I use emotional regulations skills to help me regulate and ground myself when I am feeling triggered or overwhelmed. The main skills I use involve my senses. A few examples include:
TIP skill- do not use if you have a heart or medical condition due to the changes in heart rate.
Tip the Temperature of your face with cold water* to calm down fast:
Holding your breath put your face in a bowl of cold water.
Hold a cold pack on your eyes and cheeks.
Hold for 30 seconds, make sure the water is above 10C.
Intensely exercise: To calm down your body when it is revved up by emotion
Engage in intense exercise, if only for a short while.
Expend your body’s stored up physical energy; run, walk fast, jump, etc.
Paced breathing: Pace your breathing by slowing it down
Breathe deeply into your belly.
Slow your pace of inhaling and exhaling down (5-6 breaths per minute).
Breathe OUT more slowly than you breathe in (5 seconds in, 7 seconds out).
Sensory Awareness- Find a comfortable position and then rate your current level of distress, 0-100 (0 being no distress at all and 100 the highest distress you have ever felt). Rate your distress tolerance (0 being that you can’t stand it, 100 being that you can definitely survive). Staying in this position, listen* to the questions below, listening for your response after each question:
1. Can you feel your hair touching your head?
2. Can you feel your stomach rising and falling as you breathe?
3. Can you feel the space between your eyes?
4. Can you feel the distance between your ears?
5. Can you feel the breath touching the back of your eyes when you inhale?
6. Can you picture something far away?
7. Can you notice your arms touching your body?
8. Can you feel the bottom of your feet?
9. Can you imagine a beautiful flower?
10. Can you notice the space in your mouth?
11. Can you notice the position of your tongue in your mouth?
12. Can you feel a breeze against your cheek?
13. Can you feel how one arm is heavier than the other?
14. Can you feel a tingling or numbness in one hand?
15. Can you feel how one arm is more relaxed than the other?
16. Can you feel a change in the temperature in the air around you?
17. Can you feel how your left arm is warmer than your right?
18. Can you imagine how it would feel to be a rag doll?
19. Can you notice any tightness in your left forearm?
20. Can you imagine something very pleasant?
21. Can you imagine what it would feel like to float on a cloud?
22. Can you imagine what it would feel like to be stuck in syrup?
23. Can you picture something very far away?
24. Can you feel a heaviness in your legs?
25. Can you imagine floating in warm water?
26. Can you notice your body hanging on your bones?
27. Can you allow yourself to drift lazily?
28. Can you feel your face getting soft?
29. Can you imagine stroking a little puppy?
30. Can you feel how one arm and leg are heavier than the other?
*If you do not have a recording of these questions, you can make one for yourself, or ask a friend to make one, recording each question with around 5 seconds between each question.
Body Scanning- examples are available with a quick google search.
Be involved with other survivors if this feels right for you- You are not along, violence against woman and girls is an epidemic, if you know other women who have had similar experiences and are in a place where they can support you, reach out.
Lean on your loved ones- identify a trusted friend or family member who you can send a signal to to let them know something is not right for you now and you need support. However, if you are not ready to talk about what happened, please do not feel like you have to exchange your story for your support. You could ask them to help you with household tasks that have become difficult or you could ask them to sit with you and hold and emotional space so you are not physically on your own. Ask them to help you set health boundaries if you have found yourself reading lots of the news.
Prioritise self-care- I know that I find the world a harder place to manage and navigate when I am not looking after my bod. Make sure you are eating a balanced diet, you are engaging in exercise and you are protecting your sleep time. If you are finding it difficult to prioritise self -are, lean on a loved one and ask for support. They can come around for dinner, go on a walk with you and sleep over. Seek out other ways to re charge such as dancing, singing (be it an Adele ballet or where I can shout as loud as possible) and drawing, I have found these to be enriching activities. Sometimes I find it helpful to prioritise self-care by putting it into my daily routine to stop me forgetting or neglecting it.
Take some time for yourself - At times you may want to be alone or just with those close to you.
Talk it over- Bit by bit, let yourself think about the trauma and talk about it with others. Don't worry if you cry when you talk, it's natural and usually helpful. Take things at a pace that you feel comfortable with.
Support services- when we are feeling emotionally dysregulated and/or triggered it can be difficult to search the internet for someone to reach out to. Here are some support services if you do not wish to lean on your loved ones (as we may not be ready to lean on them yet).
The Samaritans
The 24-hour freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247
The Rape Crisis national freephone helpline on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year)
Dr Jessica Taylor- is leading the way in providing resources for women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. She has created and written a FREE course, which is available to anyone who has been subjected to sexual violence in childhood or adulthood. Please do check out the link as she provides information to help understand our own trauma responses. and the lifelong trauma process. She also provides her email for emotional support if the content of the course becomes triggering.
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